It was the early 90’s, pre-Clarence Thomas Era Washington, DC. I was a young twenty-something professional who had moved to the big city from small town USA. I worked as a secretary for a large organization. I enjoyed my job and my co-workers.
Our department was large and office space was at a premium. The support staff desks were located just outside the offices of those to whom we were assigned. Basically, it was a large open space in what was a long hallway with desks peppered throughout and many file cabinets lining the periphery. One day, as I was filing, a large familiar man walked up to me, pulled me towards him and kissed me on the mouth, right in the middle of the department, for all to see. I was shocked and in disbelief. This was a married man with two small children. What were my co-workers thinking? Did they assume that something was going on between this man and myself? Did my boss witness this and if so, would he fire me? I was ashamed, embarrassed and angry. I was flooded with self-doubt. I began to second guess my own professionalism. Had I behaved in a way that would invite such behavior? Did I give the impression that I would welcome these advances?
I could not wait for the work day to end! I felt such relief walking through my front door. I heard two of my housemates in the other room and immediately went to tell them about what had happened that day. My relief soon turned to shame. “What Were You Wearing?” was the immediate reaction from one, quickly followed by “That Is Why Women Don’t Report These Things!” from the other. A heated debate ensued at our kitchen table. As a result, I never reported the situation to the appropriate people. I didn’t need any more shame and blame thrown in my direction. I was confused enough.
Why do people blame the victim, believing as if one person has that much control over another person’s actions? Yet, I too initially questioned myself. I later came to understand that if I had had that much power over the situation, it NEVER would have happened in the first place. I am not responsible for another person’s actions or lack of self-control, THEY ARE. It is their character that is in question, NOT MINE!
Denying one’s personal responsibility, does not make it truth. Dismissing accountability and responsibility by giving excuses such as “boys will be boys” is an insult. These are MEN, not BOYS. Attempting to minimize acts of violence does not negate the trauma that was inflicted. Unwanted sexual advances are a crime, not a preschool play date. Children are not permitted this behavior, why are adults? This is an act of entitlement, not child’s play.
Our current political leader has normalized this idea of entitlement. He was heard on national television saying, “I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women. I just start kissing them, it’s like a magnet, and when you’re a star, they let you do it, you can do ANYTHING.” Do they really LET you Mr. President, or did you TAKE what you wanted, because you felt entitled to do so? Did you ASK their permission? Do you see us as “Paper Towel People”; expendable items to be tossed away after use? Do you view us as humans of lesser value, disposable objects?
Is this why it appears so easy to dismiss a woman’s claim of abuse? To deprive her of her dignity and safety? Is it because she is so easily thrown away? As I listen to the Judicial Committee debate over seating the next Supreme Court Justice, I am disappointed in how some of them have learned so little from the past. What happened to seeking the truth? This is supposed to be the “Judicial Committee”, the keepers of justice. Where has due process gone, when someone who asks for an investigation of a potential crime is DENIED? It appears that the quest for POWER has surpassed the pursuit of truth and victim shame, blame and disrespect are treated as collateral damage in a high stakes entitlement package.
Why would anyone subject themselves to a nationally televised trauma? “Don’t Go!” I tell my television set as the reporter gives an update on the status of sexual “misconduct” negotiations. If no one is listening to what you have to say, why say it? What will you gain? What is the incentive to report such an event when the conclusion has already been reached? Why would anyone subject themselves to yet another trauma? Then I remember, YOU have everything to gain despite the judgement of some powerful men who refuse to believe you.
Years after the “What Were You Wearing” incident, I found myself on the other side of the country, miles from home, alone in an elevator with a fellow employee at a large organization. I had finished my errand, stepped onto a crowded elevator and started the journey back to my department. After a few floors, all but one individual left the space, suddenly I was alone behind locked doors with a stranger. Within moments this man began hurling sexual comments my way. I was trapped! Once again, I felt scared, angry and embarrassed. Fortunately, the doors opened after one floor and I was able to flee the situation quickly. I pondered this event for days, then after much thought, I contacted the man’s department. I had briefly glanced at his employee badge while trapped in the elevator with him. I had registered his department, but not his name. I reported the situation to his manager, who ultimately said that they were not going to pursue the situation because I was unable to give a name. I asked the manager to educate the entire staff about appropriate work place behavior. I also reminded her of how inappropriate and unprofessional her employee had behaved and how frightened I had been. My request landed on deaf ears. I was disappointed by the manager’s response, but not surprised with her answer. What did surprise me however, was my own deep sense of empowerment. In my act of coming forward, I reclaimed my sense of self-worth. It did not matter the outcome. I SPOKE UP! I had reminded myself that I am NOT a “Paper Towel Person”. I have VALUE even if someone else refuses to believe me!
May your continued search for wisdom bring you peace and understanding.
KAKW
Where are all the Yoda Pajamas? 
I found it, Kari! And I am sooo happy I did! You have a beautiful heart-mind, and a compelling way of teaching through your experiences! Our world needs YOU, though some may not recognize this yet! Thanks for following your heart, for being brave and for sharing your gifts! With love, support, admiration and gratefulness to-for YOU, Be
P.S. I found myself drawn to read all 3! Great Job!…planting seeds of consciousness and giving expression to new thoughts. They’ be got me growing!
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Your message was clear and passionate. Empowerment can come from two different ways, one is when you take it, and one is when you steal it. Hearing the story after story in this “me too” movement, gives permission, and encouragement to share that empowerment with others.
Admittedly though, I find myself wondering when does it stop? At what point does a statute of limitations come into play? I am not talking about any violent non-consensual act. That is not ok now, not ok then, and not ok ever. But I’ve watched the culture change, that co-worker that blatantly brushed against you 10 years ago, keeps his hands to himself now, and the one who pinched your butt 30 yrs ago is thankfully retired. The culture is changing, HAS been changing. Thankfully it is more difficult to ignore the seemingly hours of sexual misconduct education that is required in jobs now. Men and women have been taught what is acceptable and warned what will happen if their actions are even questionable.
Many have been hurt, shamed and embarrassed. How do we get past that, so we can judge people by their current actions in the current era? Let’s look at historical data. How did we get past the shameless persecution of blacks in our country? Or Jewish brethren? Or any people who look different, who were treated horribly who we now work next to day after day? Let’s be clear, WE HAVEN’T. We are NOT past it, we have NOT forgotten it, and we have not made appropriate amends.
We start by redefining what is ok and acting accordingly. Our own actions, words and deeds define current standards, but that does not make amends of past deeds done wrong. Feeling shame in the actions of our ancestors, our parents, our high school friends does not make amends. What are you doing? What action are you taking? Where is it on your list of priorities as a human being to actively engage in restitution by balancing the scales of right and wrong that were so uneven that the scales were destroyed?
This is the lesson in front of us. Not who else was harmed in the past, but who is doing something differently now, who has changed their actions and fired someone, un-friended someone, reported someone. It is time to go outside our comfort zones to destroy barriers dividing us and through actions and deeds apologize. What if each of us made it a mission to simply say “I am sorry. Those actions were wrong. My complacence is wrong. I will not perpetuate more bad behavior by my silence.”
That is my question, and my answer. What kind of impact would that make? Let’s find out.
DLS
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My sympathy, dear friend. Victimizing the victim was a common way to deal with the treatment of women. I too found myself warding off unwanted attention primarily from physicians (residents). I was accused by the harassers and coworkers as being the problem. I even talked to employee relations who sadly and unwittingly pushed the matter under the rug. The message sent was do not report the incident or just leave your employment. Reporting the harasser tainted your record and leaving my employment was not an option. Sad to say, during those 14 years, I was propositioned many, many times, grouped on elevators and in the corridors of the hospital, had my car etched with unpleasant messages because I would not give the offender/s what they wanted. It took me a long time to understand that this was not about sex but control! It took me years of soul searching to understand why this was happening and what to do about it. The first was discussing the various situations with my husband. Fortunately, he was understanding and supportive, but it did little to stop the harassment until I left my employment. After leaving, I was never treated like that again at any facility I worked. Therefore, it seems to me that the workplace condoned these behaviors as normal. Clearly, it hasn’t changed much over the years. I had hoped that women made progress in stopping unwanted advances. This past year we’ve witnessed many men fall from grace from such behaviors.
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