Red Decisions

The first year of marriage was a challenging time for me.  I had gone years surviving on my own and I wrestled with the many compromises that were newly required of me.  My husband and I were both strong, independent, capable individuals, who brought decades of experience to our union.  Suddenly, there were two separate opinions that needed to be considered on a regular basis.  Negotiation talks felt like UN debates; lively discussions, jockeying for control and ultimately fearing loss of personal power.  I struggled that first year much more than my laid back husband.  I guess he had an easier time letting go than I.

To ease myself into the world of compromise, I started calling the Year One negotiations “Red Decisions”.  I benignly labeled my ideas “Green” and my husband’s “Blue” and through lengthy, intense conversations, we would arrive at a “Red Decision”.  These were our mutually agreed upon choices, where the outcome was not original to either, but the overall goal was met when a Red Decision was finally made.  Only recently did I realize the significance in the name that I had given this process.  I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, flags were flying, calling attention to these conversations, warning me of the potential danger in ignoring or miss handling important issues.

Those sessions in compromise were stressful, but also necessary.  Success was achieved at no one’s expense and consideration of the overall partnership was the priority.  We approached the Red Decisions as long-term investments.  We both valued the opinions of the other and knew that a mutually agreed upon outcome would make us stronger.  We trusted the process and each other.  We were willing to experience temporary discomfort for the greater good.

When did it become weak to compromise?  How does one ever “Win” if give and take are not present?  “Winner Takes All” will eventually become a very lonely place.  If one side is doing all of the compromising, resentment and anger soon set in.  It is difficult to trust the process in the depths of humiliation.  There is vulnerability when control is surrendered, but strength obtained in letting go.  I believe that the Art of Red Decision Making can be applied to individuals, groups or even countries.   Consideration of the whole and success for the partnership can be achieved only when one embraces the desire to truly Understand the Other.

Red Decision Making has never been easy for me! Vulnerability was and still is not my friend.  There have been times when I was in tears or needed to suppress my urge to walk out the door.  The arguing styles of my husband and I differ greatly, but we continue to navigate my emotional outbursts and his Spock-like analysis to reach a respectful solution, but ultimately, we both have retained the Courage to Compromise.  I must be honest, I still yell on occasion and logic is my husband’s go to, but Red Decisions are much less daunting than in those early years.  I have learned to trust the process, because I know that our goal of a happy union remains top priority and that requires compromise!  There is no magic formula, but respect is a necessary ingredient for success.  Mistakes will be made, but failure is not an option.

May your continued search for wisdom bring you peace and understanding.

-KAKW